Innocent benefactor

She remembers the old red barn just a few houses up the road. She recalls with clarity every detail surrounding the incomprehensible horror that transpired decades ago and wishes she could consign it to oblivion. She remembers the two girls who sat back cheering and laughing as that group of boys brought this terrified girl to the barn floor with fright and tears in her eyes. Why? What? NO!!!   Her eyes screamed, pleading for help searching the sidelines where those two girls sat watching and laughing.  She could not understand Why they brought her here to allow this to happen and Why they would not help her.

In flashbacks she recalls the hands, many hands as they began touching her, grabbing her female flesh everywhere…Their dirty grinning faces laughing as they took her in turn…her silent screams fell onto deafened ears and no one came to her rescue.  A waterfall of tears streaming down her cheeks mattered not to the hands making their way under her shirt and down her jeans as they swarmed around her like bees to a hive full of honey.

She was fourteen years old then but not a foreigner to abuse as her own father had been making night visits for many years. She knew nothing of boundaries, no healthy love from him.  He was that “monster in the closet” and all she ever longed for was his love…

Commencing with him, then the associates, the undeniable terrors began…Her body was supposed to belong to her but it seemed to belong to everyone else.  He along with the associates,  taught her that her feelings did not matter, what she desired did not matter and when she said No – it did not matter…

Growing up was hell, more like torture. Everywhere she turned boys wanted to touch her, put their hands on her in in appropriate ways, and they did, often.  Did they not know how very wrong this was? She would be the benefactor of their consequences, the innocent one who would remember in nightmares and flashbacks with crystal clarity the sheer terror of her youth.  A nightmare relived nearly every single night for decades.

Decades would pass before she would ever understand that none of this was her fault. She walked through life with no self-esteem for she was told she was ugly, called names because this flower blossomed very early as a young woman and for reasons only those who bullied her knew …

It would take decades for her to learn how beautiful and valued she was…and to find forgiveness, which was a monumental feat in itself for she swore to hate them all for eternity….it was in the Forgiveness of them all that she has discovered the way to Freedom~



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